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Sunday, February 21, 2010

10 steps on how to avoid/survive a bear attack

bear attack. moleskine painting

10 steps on how to avoid/survive a bear attack in Arbury (a small council housing estate on the edge of Cambridge).

1. Never look a bear straight in the eyes as they may take this as a threat. Bears maybe physically strong but they are emotionally weak and may feel that you are judging their manliness.

2. If a bear approaches you in an aggressive manner say "hello" in a soft yet confident voice. Be friendly as most bears are very lonely beasts and hide their deep, sad and desperate loneliness with an outward sign of aggression.

3. You can sometimes distract a bear with beer, cigarettes or an offer of a Lottery scratch card.

4. If you're in a local pub full of bears don't look at their girlfriends.

5. Don't climb a tree to get away from a bear. Most bears in Arbury can't climb trees but many bears will start to gather around the bottom of the tree and start drinking and talking about how big and bad they are. This may not be very dangerous but it is very boring and you may be stuck up the tree for a very long time.

6. Try to avoid sport clothing stores as this where bears buy their track suits.

7. If you see a bear out with its children and the bear is drinking white cider, smoking weed, spiting and swearing in front of them. Do not tut in disgusting manner.

8. Never laugh or comment at a bears mullet haircut, tattoos, fashion sense or small but vicious dogs. Bears value these status symbols more than life its self.

9. Little bears often hang out in front convenience shops. Normally these young bears are quiet passive animals until about 8.30pm when the alcopops take effect.

10. If a bear starts to move in for the attack. Run. Run like the wind. Escape bear country.

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